Your Wife Is a Witch, If…
author unknown
Your wife is a witch, if…
1. She bought a vacuum cleaner, and then she bought a broom.
2. No one of her friends came to visit your home through the door, and no one left it this way.
3. If you are absolutely sure about how much money she has.
4. If, when you get your monthly salary, you feel an overwhelming desire to give it all to her.
5. If she believes that a common card deck has 78 cards, and that the deuce is higher than the ace.
6. If she never goes to the church, but keeps lots of candles.
7. If her eyes are green… on Fridays.
8. If two third of what she is cooking in the kitchen has nothing to do with food.
9. If she takes a shower before getting dirty, and not after as common people do.
10. If she proposes to make anaesthesia to the tree before cutting its branch.
11. If you’ve been making love for a whole day, and she is still alive.
12. If you’ve been making love for three days, and you are still alive.
13. If you hit upon plates with milk and gruel everywhere on the floor, but neither mice nor cockroaches.
14. If she starts reading any book from the table of contents.
15. If, after taking a sip of tea from her cup, you spent a week on the toilet.
16. If your neighbours spare money for a new car, while you spare for a new tambourine from Tibet. And it was your idea… seemingly…
17. If she is silent when you are trying to argue with her.
18. If she leaves home 5 minutes before your mother comes, and it happens so every time.
19. If you forgot how dust looks like, but you know well how soot looks like.
20. If you don't know for sure how many cats you have at home.
21… and some of them maybe aren't cats.
22. If, after your marriage, she changed not just her family name, but also her first name… and did it not just once.
23. If she does not smoke, but always has matches in her pocket.
24. If you never gave her perfume… because she asked you not to do it.
25. If she writes poems, but never shows them to anybody.
26. If you don't have enemies… alive… anymore…
27. If she can go for a promenade at 3am in winter.
28. If your son's friends tried to hook up with her at the dancing.
29. If you feel nausea when trying to think about any other woman.
30. If she made a fire on the camping site twice as quickly as the instructor.
31. If the word “Sabbath” has a positive connotations for her.
32. If she eats cakes with beer.
33. If, when somebody is telling a sad story and ending it with: “So, everybody was dead”, she asks: “…And then? What happened after that?”
34. If, when she gets a bouquet of flowers as a present, she hangs it upside down at the chandelier.
35. If, when ordering a steak in a restaurant and asked “Do you want it roasted or with blood”, she said “Blood separately in a glass, please!”
36. If, while watching “The Lord of the Rings”, she grumbled: “They are lying! It was not so!”
37. If, when in an argument you called her witch, she said: “Finally you got it, dumb boy!”
Maybe your husband is a sorcerer…
1. If he skilfully operates with your broom… and with your vacuum cleaner… and with your axe… but sometimes confuses one thing with another.
2. If none of his female friends came to your home through the door, and somebody always keeps on trying to open the window form outside.
3. If he always knows for sure how much money you have… even on your second account in a foreign bank.
4. If, after he came into your life, you got more Tarot decks at your home than you can find in any occult shop.
5. If he does not go to the church… since the archbishop personally asked him not to.
6. If he can cook food… and poisons too… and distinguish the latter from the former by taste.
7. If he is always dirty, no matter how often he takes a shower.
8. If, when somebody tells jokes about “necrocoprophilia”, he says: “Oh yeah!” and smiles.
9. If he has more rings and medallions than you.
10. If the most useful piece of furniture at home is the altar… and you plan to purchase one more… or two.
11. If he goes to the WC with a book… and also with a notebook and pen.
12. If the mad aggressive cat of your neighbours sits on his lap and purrs.
13. If, when in an argument you tell him to go to hell, he says that it's closed for lunch break there.
14. If his mother sleeps at daytime and stays awake at night…
15. …And probably this is the reason why she look younger than you.
16. If, even after living many years together, he does not know your first and second name, because he is always calling you by the names that he invents by himself.
17. If he is silent when you try to argue with him… and even a couple of days after... And then you suddenly notice that you are divorced and it's year 2035 now.
18. If your male friends started to believe that you have a rare and incurable infectious disease.
19. If he does not know the word “rival” and prefer to call them “suicide”.
20. If you cannot sneak into the bed and just sleep, no matter how thoroughly you try.
21. If after the first night you wanted to call all your ex-partners and tell them how inferior they were…
22. …but you could remember neither their names nor their phone numbers.
23. If “let's make it quickly” takes two hours.
24. If his weight is twice of yours, but when you two tried to crawl through the hole in the cemetery fence, he did it while you could not.
25. If any of his hobbies could be the topic of a book, and that book would be a greater bestseller than Bram Stoker's.
26. If he calls Stephen King a mediocre writer for kids.
27. If he thinks that a real man should be able to make a crossbow at home.
28. If last time when he drank vodka was 10 years ago, and he does not think that it negatively characterizes his masculinity.
29. If he believes that the joke about a gynecologist who could repair his car via the exhaust pipe is a real story.
30. If after hiking through the forest for several days he smells only of forest.
31. If he can do everything, but never can explain how he's done it.
32. If he knows little of the grammar and syntax, but says really long and complicated sentences of swearwords.
33. If he gets offended when somebody calls him “human”, and even more so when somebody calls him “man”.
34. If people around are scared when he smiles.
35. If he has green eyes… not only on Fridays.
36. If for the money that you were sparing for a tambourine to your drum set you managed to buy a luxury car. And it was your idea. Surely!
Translated from Russian by Milchar